So it has recently been brought to my attention that there is in fact, a second One Direction sim dating game. (Thank you random stranger) Thus I feel it is in my duty to the general public of the internet to do another one of these.
As I have become more mature and more experienced, I like to think that this will be more intelligent and thought-provoking play through, but time will tell. Also I have learned a lot more about One Direction since the last time so maybe this will aid me in my quest, whatever that will be.
DISCLAIMER: I am trying to be funny, but more likely than not I'll come across as an asshole. Apologies in advance.
This game took forever to load FYI. Not great with my shitty internet connection at the moment.
Oh God you have to select a character. I don't know why that warrants an 'Oh God', actually a pretty good idea but the options aren't all that great to be perfectly
a) Cross eyed sweater wearing girl
b) Sultry seductress
c) Hospital patient
(Also why are they all white???)
Hmmm... this is bit of a predicament.
I'm going to pick the hospital patient
Oh Jesus they make you fill out a way more detailed personality thing.
What can I say? Bad habits die hard.
Also shamelessly re-using the same stupid joke from last time but whatever.
I have no idea what 'stength' is but whatever it is I'm not buying it.
I get high on life, thank you very much.
Ok there just was a very intense opening sequence, complete with a musical score which could possibly bring Hans Zimmerman to tears.
For example:
Well I'm pumped up now.
LET'S DATE SOME MEMBERS OF A BOY BAND THAT I DON'T PARTICULARLY LISTEN TO OR WHATEVER BUT ANYWAY WOO LET'S DO THIS!
Don't worry honey, everyone feels like that about
The graphics have remarkably improved. Well done, team. Well done.
Anyway it says I'm meant to go to school but I'm going to try to go to a place called 'Louis' house'.
I wonder who lives there...
I DON'T WANT AN EDUCATION I WANT A BOYF.
GOD.
So apparently the bell just went and I might be late.
Well caring about school is for lame-os and nerds so I'm going to walk and take my time.
Oh my God who could it be? Please be Simon Cowell, please be Simon Cowell, please, please, please.
HOLY FUCKING SWEET JESUS THIS IS A MILLION BILLION TIMES BETTER THAN SIMON OMG IT'S REGINA FUCKING GEORGE IS TINA FEY MY MATH TEACHER OH PLEASE.
THIS IS AWESOME.
Well I'm going to assume Regina respects people who stand up for themselves so I'm going to pick the latter option.
Please be my best friend Regina.
No Regina can't you see? We're meant to be, you and I.
My new mission in this game is to date Regina George.
And you can tell you're on time from the completely empty classroom.
Seriously, are we going to have the same issue as last time?
Is Butts the only one that goes to class?
Two points:
1. This is my favourite kind of teacher; no teacher. Just an empty void. (Not Tina Fey unfortunately :( )
2. Students?! I wonder who the other new student/s could be? (Simon Cowell, Simon Cowell...)
Damn.
Also where are the other two?
There are 5 members of One Direction, I know my facts.
Harry looks like he's angry at me.
Butts what the hell. Why are you so shocked?
Why didn't you have this same reaction when you met Regina freaking George?
Imagine sitting there in class.
Imagine the new girl is sitting next to you.
And the teacher introduces three other new kids.
And the new girl just goes "H...."
H what? Houdini? Help? Hahahhaha?
And then an eternity later she goes "A......"
Butts I leveled your knowledge almost up to the max why are you incapable of speech.
Ugh she did it with each of their names.
I don't know why Niall is saying this. Isn't this the teacher's job?
But then again as the teacher has introduced 60% of the band I assume s/he will not make another appearance in the game, and they can retire knowing that they've fulfilled their role in life.
Louis has just informed the class (again, not the teacher) that Zayn and Liam will not be attending for this semester. Why, I don't know. It makes no logical sense. Maybe Harry will clarify why.
Thank you Harry for your valuable contribution.
Niall has informed us that they will in fact be at '1D Headquarters'.
I'm intrigued now. It appears that a sub-plot has emerged.
What the main plot is, I assume, is Butts finding true love with a member of One Direction but I think the Mystery of Why 3 Out Of 5 Band Members Would Attend School But The Other Two Would Not is way way more interesting.
Screw it.
I'm going to make Regina George fall in love with me.
Niall's stood in the classroom all by himself.
Probably just bummed out that Jedward has ruined Ireland's chances of winning Eurovision ever again.
I was actually given options when conversing with him.
They were:
a) (hug him)
b) Hi Niall! What's up?
c) Niall! I love you!
I'm going to play it safe and pick (b)
Nothing happened, except for another full stop appearing at the end of his 'Hi.'
Oh I was meant to 'hug him'.
WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT YOU DON'T KNOW ME I AM A STRANGER TO YOU NIALL.
NIALL STRANGER DANGER.
I'm going to try to get to 30 with every one of those boys. I think with each one it's like
a) get physical
b) be casual
c) declare your undying love for them
Harry wanted the chill option. Course you did Harry. He's one chill dude.
ANYTHING I SAY TO LOUIS HE DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING.
EVEN 'HI LOUIS'
FUCK YOU ASSHOLE WHY WON'T YOU SAY HI BACK.
BASTARD.
I remember from last time that 'Vas Happenin?' was his obnoxious catch phrase, so I'm going to pick that one.
Ugh that was that right one.
Also, who are you calling babe, babe?
I'm going to go to the pub. After all, I am 69.
Ah yes. Exactly what I want to do at a pub.
WE HAD THIS EXACT SAME ISSUE LAST TIME WHO IS SHE? LOVER? COUSIN? WIFE? SISTER? MOTHER? ALL OF THE ABOVE??
I went to fight in the pub and this came up.
Why would I want to fight my future wife?
Oh well I already spent the energy points might as well.
The game took ages to load, but here it is anyway:
I should just jingle some keys at her or point a laser pointer or something.
I LOST.
FUCK.
NEXT TIME KAREN. NEXT TIME.
Oh and I found out to get Louis to like you you have to tell him that you love him.
This game has an issue with boundaries.
Oh no...
Not another concert...
NO
NO NOT AGAIN
... it's Red Nose Day?
Is that it?
I mean... alright I guess.
UGH I SPOKE TOO SOON
It isn't even the video clip.
It's the audio and bad screenshots.
I do like Blondie though so this is alright.
Aw, this is sweet.
I can donate to the cause.
I don't even think I have that much money but let's see if I can get into debt in this game.
Spoiler: you can't D:
I just did $200 and apparently my relationship with all the boys increased. Woo.
The increase put me up to friends with all the boys.
Let's make them all my boyf.
Niall please control yourself. There's no need to be fucking vulgar.
THE NEXT THING TO LEVEL UP TO IS MUTUAL TWITTER FOLLOWING.
THAT IS EXCELLENT.
That is so great. Modern relationships, amIrite?
Although to be honest if someone romantically inclined towards me started following me on twitter I would lose my shit.
Oh God it's time for the 'Best Directioner Contest #1'
Ooo actually those are fun I'm excited now.
Haha I won at that. And won money! (Plus increased relationship but who cares)
Oh I've unlocked a special scene with Harry!
Is Simon going to show up?
No, I'm going to the moon.
Huh, he wants me to come somewhere with him.
Well we are friends apparently so this should be ok.
As long as it's in a well lit and populated area.
Oh great. He's going to sing and Butts is going to want to start crying because he's serenading her blah blah blah
Oh he wants me to play piano.
OH MY GOD IS THIS GOING TO BE A MINI GAME?!?!!??
YES.
IT IS AHAHAHHAHAHA YAY
Somehow I did 'pretty good'. I don't know how.
I recommend playing with the mouse not with the keyboard.
Okay apparently I have unlocked sequences with every boy.
Louis has some 'great news':
I don't have anything to comment on here really besides the fact that 'football' is spelt wrong and kind of looks like 'foofbal'
Also where are we?
Why are we alone in the suburbs at night?
Time for the football mini game
God I sucked at that.
I lost like 4-12
Who are you?????
Genuinely, who are you????
She looks scary though...
I mean don't really wish him physical harm but hahhahah
He's just lying on the ground
Hahahahaha
That's hilarious
Ew.
I take it that this actually happened but why on earth would you include this in a dating game? Is this meant to make me want him more?
Why would you include this picture?
In your natural habitat, honey.
Also, just asking no one in particular where somebody is, especially in a hospital, is not going to help you find him.
The fuck.
Good. A little bit of rationality.
STOP SAYING THAT.
I love that place! We can do some of the Singing to the Songs and have lots of the Fun!
HA IT WASN'T A TRICK YES!
Hahahahahahhahaha... 'amazayn'
I geddit.
Also choosing that one because it's a pun.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
HOW.
I was shit.
I know I was.
P.S. I actually had to sing karaoke. It would have been good if I actually knew the damn song.
FUCK I'VE FAILED MY EXAMS.
NO BOYS ANYMORE.
STUDY.
Haha yesssss
Aw, Liam gave me a teddy bear.
Sucker.
Let's motherfucking do this.
DAMN RIGHT MOTHERFUCKER I AM GOOD AT THIS GAME DON'T MESS WITH ME AND MY HOCKEY MORE REVVED UP ABOUT IT THAN A MAPLE-LOVING CANADIAN YOU CHALLENGE ME IS THIS I WILL TAKE YOU TO TOWN.
This would be mildly more interesting if it was a video not just a screenshot.
WHY IS TAYLOR SWIFT HERE
Also why is there always one random person that is always over protective of Harry?
Does this make Taylor Swift the new Simon Cowell?
I've only noticed this, but his head is off-centre from the rest of his body, and is also a little out of proportion.
#blazeit
Hahah I'm going to be a sneaky mofo and say the last one just to get inside his head.
HAHHAHA IT WORKED IT WAS THE RIGHT CHOICE YUSS.
It's the perfum launch and for some reason they're listing the boys' favourite 'ingredient' in the perfume. God knows why.
Louis what the hell??
What is with One Direction and fruit??
Are those types of mushrooms?
Thanks Google, my oldest and bestest friend.
Haha I bought the perfume I got an increased relationship with everyone. Of course.
Louis has a thing for unhealthy relationships clearly. I told him that I wanted to marry him.
OMG SECRET BOY TIMEZ I WONDER WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT
ehehehhehehehe butts
Wow things are getting heated between Harry and Louis. I didn't know you could bet this attached to someone who literally just says 'hi' to you everyday.
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
Also I suppose that's who that Eleanor person is. Finally we get some clarity.
Oooo, Harry's accusing Louis of two-timing on myself and his gf.
This is intense man.
OH.
MY.
GOD.
OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
WHAT THE HELL MY RELATIONSHIP WITH BOTH OF THEM DECREASED?
Can I only 'date' one of them?
After a period on intense reflection, I have decided to stop Louis. It was annoying when I was talking to him and his gf was there, meaning I just wasted my energy.
Literally.
Hmm Niall wants to introduce me to someone. Does he have a girlfriend as well?
No this is way way better.
Oh no he's leaving me alone with Justin Bieber.
Ugh is he going to hit on me.
Nope he's wing-manning for Niall.
Well done Justin Bieber. You're a good friend.
Niall's missing. I have to find him. Like he's a dog or something.
Not that that's creepy or anything.
Niall's diary is super lame.
Be more interesting, leprechaun.
Why bother giving me a choice when I clearly have none?
Niall's been kidnapped by a bunch of 'Mean Girls'
Oh no. I had to fight Karen again and I got my ass handed to me. I'm no good at fighting in this game.
One down, four to go (or maybe 3?? Dunno what's going on with Louis/Harry)
Ah, shit.
AH, SHIT.
Guess what?
Didn't do all that well.
Taylor is seriously over dressed.
Gandhi clearly did not contribute to this game.
WHAT I ACTUALLY WON
HAHAH TAKE THAT SWIFT
THE ONLY PERSON YOU BELONG WITH IS SATAN
Someone's a sore loser...
How to get to guy's heart; beat up all potential opposition.
Is he... not wearing a shirt?
Of fucking course.
YES.
YES.
YES.
LET'S DO THIS.
Niall won. :(
I keep on thinking she's Katy Perry.
Hmm... she asked me if I love Zayn.
Imma say yes because why the hell not, right?
Basically I encouraged her to break up with Zayn.
Look at that deep emotional pain.
ZAYN OH MY GOD GET OVER YOURSELF YOU'RE BEING A TOTAL BUZZKILL.
I think this question might be rigged.
Also, hahahahahhahahahaha
That is the worst post-date gift ever.
Not a puzzle, but a puzzle piece. What a cheap ass.
Ugh the mean girls turned up and I had to fight Gretchen and I lost again dammit. Also my relationship with Niall decreased.
Oh my God not again.
Yadadadaaad I broke them up.
Why would you put this in a letter? And why would you leave it on the ground? What?
I hate fighting these damn girls because I always lost dammit. (Also *weren't)
Hmmm well now I've kissed all the boys and been on dates with all of them...
What do I do now?
This is what I choose to do.
No longer am I going to get my ass whooped by you, Gretchen.
I WON
I WON
I MOTHERFUCKING WON
EAT SHIT GRETCHEN
YOUR SECRET-FILLED BIG HAIR CAN'T STOP YOU NOW MWAAHAHHAHA
YOU IN MY TOWN NOW BIATCH
Apparently if you go on a date to the beach they're
Oh.
I know my new quest now.
God fucking dang it, Niall.
Why are you wearing a damn shirt? And a tank at that??
Dayum son.
LIAM GO JOIN NIALL IN THE CORNER.
Ok yay he is topless but his face is way too big for his head.
Yikes.
Well that was fun.
Wow I just beat Regina George in a fight.
Fuck yeah.
Final Directioner contest:
Actually this seems kind of fun.
I might actually win.
No no no NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO N ONO NO NON ONO NONONONO NO NO NO NO ON O NNONO NONO O NO NO
Well, he was sort of in this game.
Kind of.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
I HAVE SPENT FIVE NO SIX FUCKING HOURS PLAYING THIS STUPID FUCKING GAME AND IN ORDER TO GET A HAPPY FUCKING ENDING I HAD TO COMPLETE SOME STUPID GOD DAMN FUCKING PUZZLE WHAT THE FUCK WHAT HAS THAT GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING YOU STUPID ASS GAME I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT THAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW ALL THAT TIME IS JUST WASTED I COULD HAVE BEEN DOING SOMETHING BUT NO I HAD TO TRAIPSE AROUNUD TO THE MALL TO BUY A BILLION FUCKING TEDDY BEARS AND THEN BEAT UP TAYLOR SWIFT SO HARRY WOULD START FUCKING TALKING TO ME IS THIS A JOKE I AM SO FUCKING GOD DAMN MAD OH MY GOD.
GRRRRRRRR
GRRRRRRRR
THE END
Part two here (I actually married one of them): x
