Just as a side note: I am writing this as I am playing this. Also, I am not a fan of One Direction whatsoever so, yeah.
Hmm... I need to enter a name and age. Obviously, in order to attract the manly folk, I shall put the most sophisticated name possible to emphasise my maturity.
Yes, good.
YOU'RE IN A CHURCH.
Dear God, I am an idiot. I am dressed in a white fluffy gown in a church and I still do not know what is going on. GET IT TOGETHER, BUTTS.
Ooooh, now she doesn't know WHO she's getting married to. Need to know basis, Butts, need to know basis.
And some ambiguous guy comes up with no face and she's all like:
Me English no well speak.
PLOT TWIST: Not a member of One Direction.
The graphics in this game are phenomenal. Clearly, just look at this:
The attention to detail is awe-inspiring.
ALERT! One member has been spotted. I think his name is Harry but I am not entirely sure. Either way, he looks a bit like Plasticine. I think I shall be polite and start a civil conversation with him.
You're a twat.
AH! Another one appeared and the inconspicuously named "1D Headquarters 2". I think it's Liam or Louis or something, but he looks like a Jake to me. And also a bit like a horse. Civil conversation, I choose you!
For God's sake, I just want to TALK to you. Jake, get your shit together. You have the ability to have a conversation with 2 girls at once. I don't even want to know who this "Danielle" is but regardless is she is your sister or your soul mate, talking to me isn't going to kill you.
I've also just had a look at the "Special Malls". They are so creepy that they do not warrant a picture. Actually, that is exactly why they warrant a picture.
UGH SO CREEPY. They all look the same and I think the one in the lower right corner might come into my bedroom at night and eat my soul.
Just gone to someone's house, I don't know whose because I am really really bad with names so I tried to talk to him and guess what! Marginal success!
Soul Eater, you may look like a murderous pixie but you are the politest person in the game so far and then merits you to be ranked, so far, first.
And now I'm in Niall's house! I am aware of Niall simply because he is Irish and I like Irish people so I expect great things from him.
HOLY FUCK THAT'S LIKE A MIRACLE IN THIS GAME. YOU ARE PERFECT. YES, YES, YES QUITE.
I'm going to try the "Ask" option because I have not tried it yet so I expect great things to happen. I hope the question is "Who ate all the potatoes?"
The only question I can ask is his name.
I'm in his house.
The house is called "Niall's house".
I can not see anyone else around.
Therefore, I already know that his name is Niall.
Please don't degrade my intelligence by inferring that not everybody would be able to realise this. Please don't make me do this.
So, Zayn is basically a sexual predator to be. He's got this... look.
Young children, feel free to come into my van. I even have this free candy to give you. But don't tell your parents!
I give up and I am going to ask them all for their names.
SIMON COWELL CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.
HE IS A MINOR, SIMON. A MINOR. WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH HIM IS WRONG.
So apparently, none of these boys like telling people their name. They just stare at me blankly so Simon Cowell comes along to their defence. I shall try a different tactic to progress.
This is as sad as it is ironic.
FINALLY. I just kept on turning up at his house, being as creepy as possible, and him just repeating "Oh, hi! Oh, hi! Oh, hi!"
It got boring after awhile.
I'm in fight now at the pub. It's not a good Sim Dating game unless there is a chance to take down a man wearing a gorilla costume.
HELL TO THE YEAH! Take that, monkey man. I don't need no dreamboy, all I need are my babies; Left Fist and Right Fist.
Gee, Game, don't give away TOO much information. It might hurt my poor pwetty head.
Turns out I had to go see X Factor. At City Hall.
God, this is going to be bad. I can smell it.
I don't have my sound working on this computer. PLEASE TELL ME THEY ARE NOT GOING TO DO THIS FOR EACH MEMBER.
FUCK, THEY ARE.
URUURURUHRHRHRHRHRGRGRGRGRGRGRRHRHRHHRHri0 h20th240t0[
Oh wow, Justin Bieber just turned up.
Now it's asking me for a vote on who was the best... I choose the right not to vote. As this option was unavailable to me, I closed my eyes and randomly clicked until I selected someone. Apparently my relation with Louis has increased, I kind of do not know which one that is. Is it Soul Eater?
Wait, how does he know who I voted for? Isn't that against the rules?
Oops.
Me! Butts!
You guys all look a little bit... pissed off. Do we go to school together? Because if so, you must not go to class. I am the only one who goes to class.
Oh no, they were actually talking to NIALL. Welp.
What I gather from this is that all of these Directionators hate Niall. And then I come in all like, "Stay away from Niall! He's Irish, all he knows is leprechauns!"
True story.
AH SWEET, THEN I GET TO BEAT THEM UP. LADIES, BE PREPARED TO ENTER THE REALM OF NEVER ENDING PAIN.
YOU BET YOUR POTATO-EATING ASS I PROTECTED YOU. THEM DIRECTIONATORS GOT PWNED.
And then he just leaves. To quote; "Thanks. I'll go now." You could at least buy me some food or something, ungrateful prat.
So I figure you unlock some sort of scene when you're friends with them so I'm going to try it with each of them.
Slightly creeped out. And yourself?
Bleaugh. Everytime I go to "talk" to him he just says, "Hey babe". UGH. You are so slimy. Soul Eater, you are aptly named.
You are obnoxious and I hate you.
Oh no!
Regina George, NO.
They want me to stay away from this Louis person. At great personal sacrifice, I will. FUCK YEAH!
Oh no, but the douche has come to my "rescue". NO GO AWAY.
Yes, that's a good question as you don't think I know you well enough to know your birthday.
And then he just ran away. I like it better when I beat the girls up.
No, I'd rather stick pins in my eyes. Also, I am your last resort? Am I there just to entertain you? URGH.
He's singing now and yet again I have no sound so it is weird. I'll just wait for it to pass.
... is that code for masturbation?
Now it's asking me if I want to go to the "Comfort room". I think the correct answer here is, "Hell yes". I want to embarrass him so much that he will fly off and disappear also I hate him so HAH.
Okay, I just had a "peek" and ew I had to stare at this topless body and it was kind of creepy. I really should have expected this.
NO I DO NOT. WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME AN OPTION WHEN THERE REALLY ISN'T ONE. THIS GAME HATES ME AND I HATE IT.
NO NO BUT THEN SIMON COWELL APPEARED FULLY CLOTHED HOLY FUCK I AM PISSING MYSELF IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT MAN?
I COULDN'T GET A SCREENSHOT BUT IT IS PRICELESS.
So, on a date with Harry and I didn't know his favourite song (which makes sense when you think about it).
Jesus Christ, someone's feewing a wittle bit gwumpy.
Horse Face/Jake has asked me to come with him to some abandoned warehouse. Seems legit.
HOLY CRAP BEST DAY EVAA!!11!!!!ONE!!!
That appears to be a serious medical condition. You should get that checked out.
Also, DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD!
WHICH OLD WITCH?
THE WICKED WITCH!
DING DONG THE WICKED WITCH IS DEEEAAAAD!
Oh my God, stop going on about how great his voice is. I get it already.
You sir, know how to treat a lady to some classy shit.
Wow, I thought he was just a nice guy. Turns out, he's a simpleton with potatoes for brains.
And I actually had to answer that question. The only option was "Yes".
Yeah, they really shouldn't exploit your low IQ like this.
Like my imaginary friend, Spike! The doctors say he helps with my verbal skills.
And now I'm stuck in another fucking performance. EARGH.
OH NOE, YOU POOR BABY. HARRY WON'T TALK TO YOU! 1st world problemz <<?/3
You are one sharp character, young man.
IF YOU KEEP ON ASKING ME, THEN I MIGHT START DUE TO INEXTRICABLE BOREDOM.
He overheard what I was saying. Why was I was saying that stuff out loud? BUTTS YOU ARE NOT IN GLEE ANYMORE. STOP IT.
Dear God, all the members of this "band" are idiots.
BREAKING NEWS:
Couple of things I'd like to point out:
- I don't think I have a TV in my room
- Even if I do, I did not turn it on
- I was trying to go to sleep
- My point is that One Direction controls this world and warps the very fabric of reality to suit their own twisted desires
Why Zayn? I hate Zayn! WHAT WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME FUCK.
Okay, now I can date all of them. I'm going to do a Round Robin competition, and whichever date I "fail", I cannot date again. LET'S GO!
ROUND 1:
Harry's Date:
Jake's Date:
I guessed and I got it right. WELL.
AND HE'S OUT!
Unfortunately, Horse Face, you are out of the running. Time to date the next contestant!
Soul Eater's Date:
AND HE IS GONE!
Goodbye, Soul Eater, you had a good run but "unfortunately" we're going to have to let you go.
Zayn's Date:
Whoops, apparently I do not know his blood type.
NYAH I GOT IT RIGHT THE SECOND TIME THOUGH! SUCCESS!
Oh, darn it.
AND THAT'S STRIKE THREE!
Goodbye, Zayn, and good luck to the final contestant of Round 1!
Niall's Date:
Wow. Still less creepy then the blood type question, BUT STILL.
Huh.
So that just leaves the winner to be Harry?
Gross. I call for another round.
NO BUT CHECK THIS OUT:
OH NO THEY DID NOT.
THEY DID NOT SING "TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART".
THEY DID THEY DID HOLY CRAP THIS IS HILARIOUS.
WHY WOULD THEY THOUGH? WHY WOULD THEY?
NO THIS IS TOO TOO FUNNY.
SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE. I CANNOT BREATHE.
AND THEY'RE ALL WEARING BLACK AS WELL.
I AM CRYING.
Because the whole "Dating Round" thing was a complete failure, I am going to date each boy until I am girlfriends with all of them. Because I want to.
Hah, I kissed Jake.
Turns out knowing a man's blood type really is the way to his heart.
Shit's about to get real.
Hopefully I can beat them up again.
AW, FUCK YEAH I CAN.
WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, MY FRIIEEENDS...
FUN FACT: Soul Eater's favourite food is carrots. I think he means gingers.
Oh. No I did not know that. I wasn't aware you were capable of doing such a feat without accidentally absorbing their soul.
Is it Jake? Or Simon "I Like Teenage Boys A Little Too Much" Cowell?
If he is a Time Lord, I give up.
Huh, Louis's favourite movie is not Harry Potter. I dislike him intensely. It's Grease. Huh.
Three down, two to go.
Zayn's being a little bitch and it took me ages to work out how much he weighed.
Can I just point out that for some reason I am wearing my wedding gown. Why?
Just that potato-loving dim-witted leprechaun to go and I am dating every single member of One Direction. What an achievement and a half.
Every member of One Direction is my boyfriend.
Let's make them all my fiancee now.
MWAHAHAHAHAHA.
So using the tokens I got from the dates I know have a "special item". Hopefully it is not semen, but at the rate this game is going it might be a possibility.
Right, I can marry Niall. I am bored, so let's give this a shot.
Really? I proposed to you and all you can say is ":)"?
You are an idiot and I don't why I'm marrying you.
Actually, I don't know whether he accepted it or not. It just went back to the normal screen. So maybe not?
Hmm...
I hate you more than I hate Zayn. And I hate Zayn.
I used to like "Summer of 69". Now I don't so much anymore. I WONDER WHY.
Also, 69. Hahahahahahahaha.
AH! HE'S BACK.
NO, YOU STAY AWAY FROM HARRY. THERE IS SUCH A THING AS THE AGE OF CONSENT.
HE TRANSFORMED INTO A MONSTER. I SHIT YOU NOT HE JUST DID IT BEFORE I COULD SNAPSHOT BUT HOLY SHIT SIMON IS ACTUALLY A DEMON.
That's actually not that big of a plot twist when you think about it.
YOUR PEDOPHILE OF A "MANAGER" TURNED INTO A FUCKING BAT THING AND THEN TRIED TO EAT ME, THAT'S WHAT.
Oh God no.
I wanted the opposite of this to happen.
Also, Harry loves Butts. Ahahahahahahaha.
Oh, I will fight him.
I will fight him.
What Simon Cowell looks like in a fight:
What can I say? It's a gift.
Hey, I've got a new song for you guys to perform!
It goes like this:
I don't care
I don't care
I really really really really really really really do not care
(Repeat until they shut up)
I thought that was Simon's job. Oh well, maybe I'll finally understand who she actually is.
His sister maybe?
She keeps on referring to it as "relationship". That is a very ambiguous term, love, I do not know what it means. Romantic relationship? Platonic relationship? Incestuous relationship?
So Harry and Jake have declared their love for me.
Who is next?
I am really starting to loathe you, MC.
I know way too much about theses boys' blood types.
AND THEN NOTHING HAPPENED UNTIL THE NEXT "PERFORMANCE".
Hey, the country club called. They want their sweaters back.
Excuse you, what about the Backstreet Boys?
FINALLY SOMETHING IS HAPPENING.
Gee, what a coincidence. Did I tell you that I had a dream about this church where are married you or one of your band members? HAHHAHHAHA.
Why am I choosing between these too?
I think it's because I answered their phone calls.
My God, these guys are sluts.
Looking for who? Your imaginary friend? Because we've been over this before.
Congratulations, you know the names of the members of One Direction. Unfortunately, so do I.
THEY ARE IN MY HOUSE.
I DID NOT GIVE THEM PERMISSION.
GET THEM AWAY.
EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW.
Fuck, I have to choose between the 5 of them.
I am going to roll a die. If it lands on a 6, I roll again. 1 is Liam, 2 is Harry, 3 is Niall, 4 is Louis and 5 is Zayn. Here goes nothing:
I rolled a 1.
Liam.
FUCK IT IS HORSE FACE. UGH EW NO EUGH JAKE HOW COULD YOU BLEAUGH OH NOE.
OH I CLICKED IT AND HE JUST WENT "..." THANK GOD I DID NOT WANT THAT EITHER,
Next number: 2.
ANOTHER "..."
I THINK I MIGHT HAVE FAILED AT THIS GAME.
WOOHOO!
Next number: 3. Okay, this is weird.
Niall and...
He's accepted it.
Oh well, as his favourite singer is Justin Bieber obviously what I am going to do is strangle him in his sleep and then cash in on his life insurance. Ho-hum.
Herpes? Poor genetics? Potatoes?
Oh, it's an engagement ring. Isn't that illegal?
Oh wait, I'm 69. I keep on forgetting.
She is getting married the very next day. Logic in this game clearly was not a priority.
Also, just for comparison;
My "Dream" Boy:
My "Actual" Boy:
Incongruity detected.
OMG this
ReplyDeletethis
i can't even
this is so funny
Oh thank you :)
DeleteI'm a directioner but I couldn't stop laughing wtf
ReplyDeleteBless you, child